white ones and red ones, and some you can't disguise

CBS' most recent typed memos are fakes, and they're finally admitting it. Now, here's what was really in the documents (if CBS and Rather were actually creative):

George W. Bush originally had his mother write him a sick note to get out of duty. The note read, "Little Dubya is sadly too sick to serve duty today. Please excuse him from any duty until he feels better. Thanks, Barbera Bush." It was this note that prompted the missed physical.

However, Bush eventually took the physical and tested positive for massive amounts of cocaine. His blood work tested for too much protein after his little stint outside of the Guard. He denies both gay sex and cocaine dealings.

Bush's rampant gay sexual affairs also indicate why he is so adamantly against gays getting married. His homophobia is linked to his latent homosexuality, which had already surfaced in the National Guard.

Bush was ostracized by the guard after dancing around with a lampshade on his head. Many in the guard considered the Tiffany brand lampshade to be to bourgois for their tastes. He later tried again with a Persian rug from his parent's mansion, claiming to be The King of Siam, but was still snubbed. Part of the problem with this venture was the lamb whom he was determined would make the best Anna in the pornographic version of The King and I.